The Gores’ Divorce: A Celebration of Life?

Funny what passes as a “celebration of life” these days.

End of the Love Story

When I heard news earlier this week of Al and Tipper Gores’ separation, I was sad. Regardless of political persuasion, I admire couples who seem to love and like one another. That is what Al and Tipper Gore appeared to have. 

Fortunately, the reason for their separation was not an affair, abuse, or any other such grevious offense. Instead, it is reported by the Associate Press that the couple split “amicably”, after 40 years of marriage. According to one friend, “their lives had gotten more and more separated”.

I hope the Gores’ receive respect and privacy. I write this not as a commentary on their particular divorce, but as a reaction to the reaction to the news:

“Successful Divorce” and “Longer, Healthier Lives”

Jennifer Ludden of NPR reported on the state of marriage as it relates to the Gore’s microcosm in the story, “More Couples Divorce after Decades of Marriage”.  Ludden interviews Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History, on the trend of adults divorcing later in life. “They’re just kind of disatisfied with the relationship”, explaines Coontz. Discussing the Gore’s marriage, she explains, “this is a marriage that got through 40 years, without having any child fathered out of wedlock, no tawdry affairs, the kids are raised, so I think in some ways we can think of this as a success.”

Betsey Stevenson of the University of Pennsylvania was also interviewed for the story, describing how current sociological trends make allowances for happily unmarried older adults: “marriage has really moved from something that was once very, very ‘child-centered'”, explains Stevenson, “that’s not what life’s about today, and that’s because we’re living longer, healthier lives, that our adult lives extend way beyond our child-bearing years.”

That’s not what life’s about today–children, that is. Being “fruitful”? Giving yourself wholly to another person? ‘Til death do us part? No, thank you, we are far too sophisticated for tradition nowadays– now that we are living longer, healthier lives!

Co-habitating Grandma

Coontz, who has interviewed many older couples, reports hearing  from some that they would rather have been free of unsatisfying marriages, “but that they couldn’t imagine living alone in their sixties. What would they do? Where would their money come from? Who would take care of them when they were sick?”

But now that we have progressed beyond our commitment to ho-hum marriages, Stevenson gleefully reports that new beginnings are possible at any age: “This is a great era for marriage among [older adults], and those who aren’t remarrying are cohabitating in great numbers.

I feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“Does [success in marriage] mean staying married ’til we die, even if that means 75 years of marriage?”, asks Stevenson, “That’s a pretty lofty goal.”

Ludden closes the story with this summary: “[Stevenson] prefers to see the Gore’s separation not as a failure of marriage, but as she calls it, a celebration of life.”

“Amicable” Death

In light of this story, I have to question whether presumably “amicable” grounds for separation–the drifting apart of two lives–are any less tragic than violent affronts of infidelity. In some regards, affairs are obviously much worse for they involve an unspeakable breach of trust. But in the long run, is there any less trauma done to the heart of a husband and wife who quietly drift apart?

I can understand the “amicable” line given to outsiders–a way to keep up appearances and get the press off your case. But what if it were true–what if a couple could divorce after 40 years of marriage and remain on friendly “no-hard-feelings” terms? Is that something to be applauded?

The Virtue of Pain

Those of us who hold to the Bible’s authority believe that in marriage, the man and wife become one flesh–a union that is far more than sexual. With this in mind, when divorce does occur, it ought to hurt–it ought to feel as though your very heart is being torn assunder–because it is.

The only society that can call such rupturing a “celebration of life”, is one that is dead. If two people who have become “one flesh” can truly split apart “amicably”, without feelings of hurt and violation, what does that say about the state of marriage? 

Wendy Shalit, discussing male-female relationships in general, writes, “All those bad feelings we are too enlightened to feel nowadays–such as resentment, jealousy, betrayal–also signify the capacity to lose yourself in the first place, to fall in love with someone other than yourself. They presuppose that there is a soul to protect, that there are hopes to be shattered, a lost love to guard…”

In his Confessions, St. Augustine, discussing the end of a pre-conversion relationship with a woman, writes how he masked and distracted himself from the pain caused by the separation. The wound did not heal, but rather “it ceased to burn and throb, and began to fester, and was more dangerous because it was less painful.”

In spite of all the niceties of language, the trauma of divorce continues to saturate our culture. The wound is still gaping, though at times it might cease to “burn and throb”. 

The “Omnipresence of Divorce”

Whether or not we ever personally go through the process, there is a price to be paid for living in a culture where divorce is socially normalized and spiritually neutralized. 

“This omnipresence of divorce creeps into every interaction and is one of the clearest reminders that there is no longer any private and ‘safe’ realm”, writes Shalit, “Everything and everyone is up for grabs, and we always face the harsh world directly, unmediated by any enduring sentiment other than each out for him–or herself.”

If we are to believe that marriage is only as worthwhile as it is satisfying, then we must also believe that commitment is only as binding as it is pleasurable.  In this frame of mind it is impossible to know the safety of unconditional love, for we will be continually haunted by fears that we are no longer satisfactory–that our spouse can be out doing other things–living his or her “longer, healthier life”, rather than fulfulling that life-long commitment.

Sanctuary of Nakedness

What is the security offered in a permanent covenant of marriage? “The safe refuge for human nakedness that God has ordained is marriage,” explains Dr. R.C. Sproul,  “nakedness involves more than the lack of physical clothing. It means being exposes to the scrutiny and the glance of another human being–in our weakest moments, in our worst moments, and in our darkest moments.”

The fact that marriage involves such a deep level of intimacy “is one of the reasons why divorce is so dreadfully painful to people”, says Sproul, because “the person who knows me the best, of anybody in this world, has rejected me.”

What is far more dangerous than divorce itself, is when divorce ceases to be a painful–when it simply becomes another stage of life exercised by adults living “longer, healthier lives.”  We may be happy, healthy, and cohabitating, but the thing we give up for such free-wheelin’ self-actualization is the experience of being fully known, fully loved, and resting in one-flesh security.